Thanksgiving was a lovely day…much better than last year. I had ruined 2024’s turkey, so my family made sure I didn’t have to deal with that tricky dish again this year (thankfully). We hosted our extended family, and I impulsively decided to make a whopping 7 dishes. I am proud to say that of the 7, I only burned 3, and of the 3, only one caught fire. The feeling I keep coming back to repeatedly is, surprise. Not that I burned dishes, but that it didn’t affect my day or my sense of accomplishment when we sat down at the table. Historically, I would have experienced increasing shame and self-loathing as my mistakes piled up. But this year was different.

First, I forgot about the bacon while tending to the breakfast casserole.  I managed to spill bacon grease all over the floor while frantically removing it from the oven, charred to a crisp. However, I didn’t get burned and neither did the dog who wanted to lick the bubbling puddle off the floor. Crisis avoided.

Next up were the cranberries. How do you burn cranberries? It’s easy if you are also trying to peel potatoes and converse with Millie Williams about her favorite Billie Eilish tune. It turns out burnt cranberries smell AWFUL. Who knew? I felt lucky that I had bought an extra bag for table décor and my co-pilot Millie cheerfully started zesting more orange peel for the second batch. 

The grand finale happened 10 minutes before our guests arrived. I put the sweet potatoes in to broil for 3 minutes after carefully cutting and shaping the marshmallow topping. My son Jack, however, needed me to hear a song on Alexa. Fast forward 5 minutes and the marshmallows were on fire. I shouted “BABE, GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!” Jack replied,

“Just blow it out mom. Blow. It. Out.” We scraped off the soot covered top and salvaged the actual casserole. 

Why didn’t I go down a shameful spiral with all these failures? The reality is that It’s taken many years to get to this place, and it still depends on the topic, but I have developed an emotional muscle that immediately inserts perspective as I stand at the top of the slide into shameville.  

This muscle is called a “growth mindset”. Carol Dweck studied it and I have used it in my resilience training for years. The idea is that you focus on continuous learning, rather than perfection. I spent years thinking there were only two realities: one where I was perfect and one where I was pathetic and worthless. A wonderful therapist once said to me “I have news for you. You are far more complicated than that.” 

I still find it hard to shake the belief that whatever just happened is the sum of who I am. This is described by Dweck as having a “fixed mindset”, and it plagues those of us who feel pressure to be perfect all the time. It’s the belief that how we show up today represents all the knowledge and ability we will ever possess. So, if we make a mistake, it is simply proof of our limitations. It is the kryptonite that keeps us from taking risks, aspiring, stretching, dreaming and daring. 

Over time, I think we can learn to give ourselves a break once we notice that no matter how bad we mess up, we can move forward. For me the combination of turning 50 and getting off social media have created more room for me to say “Screw it. Who cares?” 

Another thing that has helped is watching my kids make mistakes and realizing that I must be the one to help them realize it’s not the end of the world, and in fact, it's critical for growth. The last key for me has been surrounding myself with friends who I know are rooting for me, and who are there to laugh with me or cry with me, depending on which reaction to my many foibles is tolerable in the moment. What in your life have you allowed yourself grace about? How has this led to growth and greater contentment?