Until my mom Rita died, I didn’t understand the feeling that comes with sensing your lost person is visiting you in the form of another being. When my brother William passed away at 27, she came to believe that when she saw a heron, that was him communicating with her from beyond. I thought that was such a lovely idea. 

The gulf of pain I felt when she left was vast, wide and deep. The day we spread her ashes on the sunny Mendocino meadow she brought us to each summer I remember being paralyzed between the forces of deep grief and cycles of cognitive dissonance that she was really gone. 

That afternoon and the days that followed, an osprey visited overhead multiple times, circling and then sitting suspended on the air currents while I tried to accept this new reality. A few months later while running alone in a marathon where I had signed up to start at 5:30am with the slow people, I was accompanied (it seemed to me) by an osprey as the sun rose on Sauvie’s Island in Oregon. The bird stayed with me for approximately 3 miles, swooping over the treetops, returning until eventually making her final exit.

This constant memory informed an impromptu decision two weeks ago. I was in Santa Cruz with my youngest daughter Amelia and two of my three best friends of 30 years. I had been thinking of finding a way to memorialize Rita on my body but had been averse to the commitment of a tattoo. 

We walked by several tattoo parlors. I wondered if it was a sign, given UC Santa Cruz was the college Rita had begged me to attend so many years ago. I am glad I didn’t go to UCSC, because I had the experience I believe I was meant to have at UC Davis, which included meeting the women who I refer to as the “House of of Estrogen” or “The HOE’s”.

To the astonishment of my besties I went into the tattoo parlor that we had passed multiple times and after looking up their reviews, decided to get a tattoo of an osprey the next day. Having my best interests at heart, my HOEs, who are more like sisters after 30 years, shared some worries about this spontaneous choice. 

They feared that it would not come out well, given I didn’t know the artist. They wondered whether I was falling prey to another instance of my pattern of leaping into things without looking…dog ownership, relationships, financial investments, hair do’s…

So how to discern between spontaneous knowing and poor impulse control? 

I learned in my ADHD coach training to insert a “pause practice” when a decision feels spontaneous and “right”, but it is also new. The fact that people with ADHD are good at being first responders is because we can act quickly under stressful circumstances. However, we must learn to temper that instinct when not in an emergency. The first step in the “pause” is to breath in through the nose and out through the mouth a few times, ensuring that the exhale is longer than the inhale. This tricks our central nervous system into calming itself. 

Next, ask these questions to help navigate the moment:

1. Is my feeling calm and grounded or frantic and needy?

2. Is the urge fleeting or and shifting, or persistent and nagging? 

3. Does the feeling need to be acted upon “right now” or can it wait?

If the answer to the 3rd question is “now”, ask “What would the consequence be if I wait?”

Finally, consider if the choice aligns with your core values. And if you aren’t sure, talk it over with someone you trust. But remember, ultimately the person who will live with the outcome is you so learn to trust your own gut. Ask yourself if you can live with the consequences if the decision goes sideways.

In the case of the osprey tattoo, the answer is a resounding yes. I love looking at it and thinking of Rita. I love it when people comment on it and I get to bring her into the present moment. I’d love to hear about a choice you have made that felt risky at the time. Hit reply and share!